Let's just have an honest conversation for a minute. I am having a hard time keeping the end in mind. I can't even imagine life being better. And by being better I mean enjoying having kids. Was that too honest of a statement? Did I just scare you away? Please tell me that other people struggle with enjoying the role of mother. The role of parenting doesn't fit in my comfort zone or my place of control. My oldest is in a phase that is entirely frustrating. Disrespect runs rampant. There is a fight between us around every. single. corner. The simplest instruction by me is welcomed with a fist to the face (not literally). "Go back to sleep, Sweets. Its the middle of the night (aka 5:30am)." Screams fill the empty space of the morning. I have no clue what's going on. I fear that I will lose her.
I fear that she will always be like this.
I fear that I will always be like this.
I am weary.
I am weak.
I don't like who I am. I don't like who she is at this phase. Deep waters.
I said it. It's a phase. I call it that yet cannot see beyond it. Gone are the days of midnight feedings. Gone are the days of potty training. There is phase to it all. In these moments where joy lacks, my only refuge is God. These moments are pivotal. Which way will I turn? Turn away or turn towards God. Give me a mantle of praise instead of mourning. Anoint me with the oil of joy and gladness. In my despair, I turned my eyes to Psalm 142.
I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord; I make supplication with my voice to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before Him;I declare my trouble before Him. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path. In the way where I walkThey have hidden a trap for me. Look to the right and see; For there is no one who regards me; There is no escape for me;No one cares for my soul.
I cried out to You, O Lord; I said, “You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living. “Give heed to my cry, For I am brought very low; Deliver me from my persecutors, For they are too strong for me.“Bring my soul out of prison, So that I may give thanks to Your name; The righteous will surround me, For You will deal bountifully with me.”
I felt my heart bled these words and echoed what David cried. I am crying out. I am asking. I poured out my complaints. For I am in trouble. Yet in the moments when I am completely overwhelmed--He knows my path. He sees the hidden traps laid (by my sweet little love). He sees the persecution. He sees that I feel like there is no escape. YET He is my refuge--my portion. I love the language used here. He is my portion--He is enough. My safe place will be found in Him even in the middle of what feels like prison. For where circumstances are overwhelming, He is stronger.
Now, before any of you blast me, I completely realize that I speak with great drama here. But if I am perfectly honest with you, life is about surviving. I feel like I have been figuring out how to survive each phase. And as dramatic as I can be, I know my children are not a prison. I know they are prosecutors. Speaking in metaphors here, people. I have a feeling that others feel this way and I want you to hear that God is your refuge and your portion. He is enough for today.
When she fights. He is enough.
When she refuses. He is enough.
When I am lost. He is enough.
When I have no answers. He is enough.
(photo cred: Naptime Diaries)
I can't help but draw to mind the words penned in the song Oceans by Hillsong. His grace abounds in deepest waters. Doesn't that echo so beautifully David's words? In the deepest waters, He is enough. When you feel like drowning is on the brink, His grace abounds. He is your portion.
What does your soul cry out about? Are you drawing? Do you believe He is enough?
Each month I have the privilege to share on a website called Ungrind. It's a site for women of all ages and stages of life to find encouragement. Today's post comes from a honest and vulnerable place. It's something that I have wrestled with for quite some time. I want to share it with you because I know we walk this journey together. You can read the post here.
I don't know if you are like me, but I tend to be overwhelmed by things or people or circumstances when I am smack dab in the middle of it. It kind of feels like when I was a kid and would put my face up to the tv screen--everything was blurry. I couldn't recognize an image on the screen. However, when I stepped back, I could see the entire picture clearly. Being in the middle of raising kids feels a lot of like staring up close to a tv screen. And one thing I've learned is that we need to step back and have the end in mind... I'm talking about that today over at Ungrind.
Come join me.